I set up a table at the local farmers market today, to invite people to talk about building kids’ lives around who they already are, as an alternative to struggling in programs where they just don’t fit.  I talked to parents, grandparents, kids, former teachers, a physician, and a speech therapist.  I got the impression that people are interested in talking about issues of learning and pathfinding in new ways.

Just before I left, a small group of young adults who’d been working nearby came over to find out what I was up to.  I told them a little about how I work with kids - looking for ways to make it possible for their lives to start right away, not later, after they’ve finished getting ready for life.  Their participation in the conversation was intent and intense, which makes sense.  They’re the ones who are at the place in their lives where these questions and issues are at the forefront whether they want them there or not.

They’re busy figuring out what to do next:  Should they Just Get a Job?  Should they commit to another chunk of education (either because they want what it will offer or because it will mean they don’t have to decide what to do for another couple of years)?  Should they venture down some other less beaten path?

If you know a young person who’s facing this kind of inquiry, I invite you to remember what a gift it can be (particularly from parents, other relatives and trusted adults) to have the chance to talk through such large-looming options without the tangle of judgment and opinion that is so easy to include.  It’s not easy to do, but it’s worth the effort.

And further, it’s worth figuring out how to make sure that other youngers don’t have to wait until they’re out on their own to work through some of the questions of where they might fit, belong, thrive.

* I haven’t mentioned the Teenage Liberation Handbook lately - for anyone who’s interested in pathfinding, and looking for resources to support it at any age, it’s a great reference. And another for the older young folk among us - Jenny Blake’s Life After College blog (helpful with or without college - a reminder that it doesn’t all just fall into place for anyone upon diploma receipt; there’s always figuring and discerning to do).

Every week I meet with parents who are committed to offering their children a level of success and vigor that takes considerable innovation, determination, patience.  I’m always inspired by their willingness to proceed without a map, when it’s so much easier to just follow a well-trodden path.

It’s early August, and I’ve started hearing from parents as they gear up for another school year (whether or not their kids will be in school).

When September starts to loom, if it hasn’t been going well (whatever it might be; math last year, getting promised projects done in July, reading, finding the apprenticeship with the right person), it can suddenly feel like time to do something, and quick.

And the doing something can look lots of different ways, and can yield results that are or aren’t what you’re actually after.

Here’s my early August invitation.  Before you take action, get clear with yourself about the what is really important to you when it comes to your kids.  What really matters?  What really matters now, and what will likely matter later?  How do you want things to turn out?

That simple inquiry can profoundly affect the choices you make about what actions to take and what actions to not take.  Actions that are in synch with your actual commitments and values are more likely to move things in the direction you want them to move.

Sometimes the behaviors that drive you crazy when your kids practice them on you (in particular, resisting and generally refusing to comply without inquiry) are the very ones you want them to implement when faced with situations involving pressure from their peers or other sources. In those other unpredictable situations you want them to be discerning.  You don’t want them to follow without question. What’s annoying when it’s done to  you could well be a boon when it turns up at a party or behind the wheel - in the face of the unpredictable.

And it’s easy to point out the difference in the situations; you know that what you’re trying to get them to do is in their best interest (at least you have decided it is).  And they should be able to tell the difference.  But the point is that their parents are the only ones kids can safely practice on, so it’s actually quite wise, and a relief, that they at least begin with you. If you won’t honor the inquiry implicit in their resistance (as distinct from engaging in a power struggle about it), they’re likely to give up on practicing, or take their practicing elsewhere.

I discovered a reference series at the library this morning: Everything You Need to Know about ******** Homework (the asterisks are for the kind of homework, not an expletive that might precede the word).  I looked at the American History volume, but there are others on other subjects.  This one seemed the most genuinely useful to me, because it lends itself well to the desk reference, while the others tackle things like “English” and “math.” My guess is that those volumes are less helpful as references because their content is less look up-able. (All  of these volumes declare suitability for grades 4-6; make what you will of the publisher’s choice to target and market them that way. You can see sample pages on amazon of the various volumes and decide if the readability and content would be useful in your house.)

The one I looked at was very easy on the eyes (not too many words, not too crowded pages), and was light enough to be held by a young child (and therefore less likely to be abhorred or otherwise shied away from by a person of any age or strength).  It’s written as though the person who wrote it wants the person who’s reading it to understand what it says and means.  I think this is a good way to offer information. Have a look if you might be able to use something like this.

Now that’s an appealing title for a post, isn’t it?  But if you decided to read it anyway, you’re probably someone who will tolerate frustration if you believe the payoff will be greater than the cost.  I spoke with a mom recently who’s looking for someone to work with her daughter on her piano playing.  She’s not just looking for a piano teacher.  What she wants is someone with skill in piano playing to accompany her daughter in her exploration of the instrument.  She knows her daughter is not likely to become (nor at this point interested in becoming) a professional or otherwise masterful pianist, and so her first priority is that she continues to enjoy and learn.  The mom’s experience in piano lessons when she was a child led her to believe that such lessons could put enjoyment and learning in jeopardy.

As a culture we have an understanding of what music lessons are.  They’re regular, usually weekly; you’re to practice in between lessons; you do it the way the teacher tells you.  In other words, we teach piano the way we teach most everything.  We don’t often think about whether or not it’s getting us what we want in the way of development in the area, or whether or not it’s a method suited to everyone.  We assume, it seems, as though someone already did that thinking and we can trust the process they came up with.

Some of the time we probably can, for some of the students.  But it’s a really good idea to think about what you actually want from something like piano lessons, and why you’re looking for a teacher, before you go about your search.  And here’s where the potential frustration comes in.  Like this mom, if you decide what you want - what you think will actually best serve your child - it may well not be the status quo.  And if it’s not the status quo, it may be harder to find.  You might have to sift through lots of what you don’t want before you find what you do - make lots of phone calls, more than you should have to, read lots of ads, ask lots of people for suggestions.  You might have to fail lots of times.  But finding the person could be worth the effort.  If you set it next to the possibility of settling for someone who isn’t what you want, it might get easier to keep picking up the phone.

As a longtime Lego enthusiast, I get a little distressed when I pass through an aisle of Lego products that appear to have very few actual blocks included - where everything looks Lego-ish but most of the parts can only serve one purpose and there’s not much building to be done.  I expect blocks and only blocks, though I’m willing to concede that if it were blocks and only blocks there’d likely be no more Lego at all.

Anyway, lest I get ranting, the point of the post is this: I was somewhat heartened to hear of Lego’s new game Creationary, in which players are to guess what others are building.  You can see where the name came from; seems like a promising choice for those who thrive in 3 rather than 2 dimensions, or would like to. It looks as though you can download the rules from Lego’s site, if you want to know more about the game.